One Day at a Time

An acquaintance of mine made the statement, "Grief is unpredictable."  This is so true. One moment I will be doing ok, then for no apparent reason, I think of what has been lost to me, and I'm overwhelmed.
 Why does this happen? It's sucks. (Such eloquent words, I know. But really, I'm not sure how to put it better.)

I find that the loss of Adaiah is getting harder in some ways.  Tuesday, I went for my post-op appointment for my D&C.  While the appointment went well, I just couldn't help but think, "I shouldn't be here." I should have been there in 2 more weeks for my 16 week appointment.
 I've thought things like that a lot actually. Like on Sunday night; I was in a hot tub. Although I enjoyed it, I just can't help but think, I shouldn't be doing this. I should be pregnant. The cups of coffee, the birth control pills, the Hope Mommies bracelet on my wrist, the suggestions to see a grief counselor...none of these are supposed to be part of my life right now. Yet they are.  And I'm not always sure how to deal.

There are also times that it seems like people have just moved on from this. Life goes on... But I cannot just move on from this. Life won't be the same. I feel like trying to make it so would dishonor the memory of Adaiah. I'm just not sure where to go. I still get hugs, and an occasional encouraging word, but I feel like most people just don't want to talk about it anymore. Who can blame them? It's hard to be around a grieving person. It's awkward. A lot of the times I don't even want to talk about it. I just want to know that others haven't forgotten my baby.

As the title of my post, I'm at the point where I really just have to take life one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. There is so much changing right now. I can't say how badly I wish things could just go back to the way they were. Ryan would have his job. We would be able to stay in our community and with our friends. We would be expecting a baby in March.  Things will never be the same. I'm having a hard time accepting this.

I realize this isn't an upbeat post. I will not apologize though, because this is real. I didn't promise that I had everything figured out. I have decided to consider the trials joy, but it's a learning process.  I hope to go through this with all the grace and dignity God grants.  I just have to trust that God has something great planned because right now, it seems hard to imagine anything that is worth all this. Even as I type that though, I am reminded of Hebrews 12:1-3.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider Him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.

Oh Lord, forgive me for being so wrapped up in my troubles that I forget what Jesus endured. Please set my eyes on the joy You've placed before me. Thank you for the lessons You are teaching me in these days.

This is counted as joy.